Family Matters: a Mother's Day Reflection on Living with Purpose

In Harper Lee's classic novel, To Kill a Mockingbird, Jem Finch confronts his Aunty Alexandra's prejudiced and shallow opinions of those "less desirable," by quoting his father, Atticus...

"Aunty...Atticus says you can choose your friends but you sho' can't choose your family, an' they're still kin to you no matter whether you acknowledge 'em or not, and it makes you look right silly when you don't."

There's a lot of truth in that little quote.  In the context of the novel, it confronts the condescending and "better-than-thou" thinking that people can have toward others they deem less acceptable than themselves.  For Aunty Alexandra, it was that certain members of the community were not welcome in her house due to their socio-economic status, even if they were members of her own family...certainly an attitude to be challenged.

However, there's another aspect of the quote I want to use as the focus of this Mother's Day post:  "...you sho' can't choose your family, an' they're still kin to you no matter whether you acknowledge 'em or not..."  You can't choose your family...they are still kin.  Family...the family we have, and the role we have in that family, are probably the most influential things in our lives...impacting our childhood development, teaching us our core values, instilling our core beliefs about ourselves, others and the world around us.  The family to which we belong, has the potential to be the greatest influence on who we become and the life we pursue...that's nothing to take lightly.

Mother's Day is a reminder of this.  This day has been set aside to honor the mothers' who have played such an important role in our lives.  More than 50 countries around the world have a day designated to celebrate mothers, signifying that the role of the mother is such an admired and revered one in families, no matter the culture.  Such sentiment was portrayed in the poem by William Ross Wallace, the title of which speaks volumes, "The Hand that Rocks the Cradle is the Hand that Rules the Word."  

An Example of a Mother's Influence

Susanna Annesley was born the youngest of 25 children to a London clergyman.  She was brought up with a strong Christian education in her English home.  When she met Samuel Wesley, it was through the visits of he and his pastor father, among many who came to the Annesley home.  Susanna and Samuel married and she became the wife of a minister as well.  Through many heartaches, challenges of ministry, tragedy of the death of 9 of her children, marital conflict and loss of all material possession through a fire that destroyed the rectory, Susanna was a stalwart wife and mother of strong faith.  She reared her 10 surviving children, educating them in their home, while supporting her husband in ministry and managing household financial affairs.

One may say that Susanna Wesley was a tremendous success, as she worked as a partner to her husband in his ministry.  She even conducted worship services for parishioners in their home, during an extended absence of her husband, that was very popular with the members of the church.  She was resilient, strong-willed, of deep spiritual faith and a meticulous organizer and manager of the household.  However, perhaps author Anne Adams put it best when she wrote of the true success of Susanna Wesley:  ​

"Susanna’s place in Christian history is indeed based on what her sons accomplished but it could be said to have been her example and influence that helped them to do what they did. Susanna’s best legacy was indeed her children, particularly John...Indeed, a great legacy from a woman who expressed a simple desire: 'I am content to fill a little space if God be glorified.”'

Our Family and Our Purpose

The question we consider today is, "How does the role we have in our family inform how we pursue the God-given purpose that we have?"  Does it?  Should it?  I contend, there is really no way to avoid it.

Spousal Role

As a husband or wife, we have made a commitment to that marriage partner that changed our lives the day we said, "I do."  That means that we no longer make decisions with consideration only for our own interests.  Pursuing our purpose as a spouse includes that commitment and the way we integrate our faith with one another.  One of our Purposed 365 community members, Tim Johnson, put it this way, "One of the purposes in my marriage is to be a student of my wife."  I like the way that is stated.  I am fulfilling my purpose as I learn all I can about the person with whom I have committed to journey through this life.  I can't hope to relate to her, understand her and care for her effectively if I don't know the person she really is.

The Scripture instructs husbands and wives, "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ" (Ephesians 5:21), and "In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered" (1 Peter 3:7).  Submitting ourselves to one another, understanding and living with one another in a partnership, requires that we know one another.  As P365 community member, Erica Renee Cox McKinney, stated, "I feel more in my purpose when my family life is taken care of...I find it brings order, unity, less stress and chaos."  I couldn't agree more.  When we focus on our spousal role and prioritize that relationship, fulfilling our purpose naturally flows out of that priority.

Parental Role

I believe the best fulfillment of my purpose, in partnership with my wife, was bringing up our daughter in the ways of the Lord.  We are proud of the woman she has become, and the role of wife and mother that she is fulfilling in her own purpose.  In commenting on this topic, she (Emily Simpkins) shared, "...Mothering represents laying down your life for another, which represents the Gospel. WOW! That really caught my attention, what greater purpose can I have than to be a clear representation of the Gospel of Jesus Christ? So, I would say being intentional in not only my words and actions, as a mother and wife, but in my thoughts as well. I am striving (and still failing most of the time) to approach motherhood as kingdom work and as one of the most important ways I can fulfill my purpose right now."  Community member, Kimberly Hall described her intention to teach and model what is right as she strives to influence them positively, "As my children age, I feel the purpose to keep them grounded. Hopefully, I have raised them to know right from wrong. I try to always be a positive influence. As your children watch what you do, you are their example and they learn as they look up to their parents." 

The Apostle Paul wrote to his protégé, Timothy, commending the faith-filled rearing from his mother and grandmother, "I remember your genuine faith, for you share the faith that first filled your grandmother Lois and your mother, Eunice. And I know that same faith continues strong in you" (2 Timothy 1:5).  He knew that it was crucial in Timothy's development, that he have a mother and grandmother who accepted it central to their purpose, to bring him up in the nurture of the Christian faith.  This enabled Timothy to learn and prepare to fulfill his purpose in ministry.

Let me hasten to add, however, a very important point.  The comments of our community members, and the reality of my own experience, remind us that fulfilling our purpose as parents is one of imperfection, requiring grace and constant seeking of the right way to guide our children.  There were times, as our daughter was growing up, that I had to pray for wisdom and work to keep communication open and use teachable moments.  It was a learning experience for us that required a lot of grace and help of the Holy Spirit.  Whether we are bringing up our biological children, step children, or a blended family, keeping our focus on the wisdom that God gives, will enable us to purposefully parent those whom God has commended to us.   Community member, Angie Melson, expressed this challenge, "Being a stepmom to adult children and a child of aging parents feels overwhelming at times. I struggle with finding my 'sweet spot' in parenting adult children. I don’t want to be too hovering to them but I also want them to know I’m here and I love and think of them daily."  It isn't easy, and there's no "one size fits all" approach to the challenges of parenting.  As our children grow older, our parenting relationship changes.  It takes care and wisdom to traverse that phase.  There are two things that should be constant, however.  One is that we continue to love them unconditionally and the second, that we continue to seek God's wisdom to discern how to adapt to change and communicate effectively.  We are reminded in James 1:5, "If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking."

Children of Aging Parents

For many of us, our parenting experience goes through several stages...not necessarily in this particular order.  We start our family with the birth and early development of our children.  They go through adolescence, which can have its unique challenges.  Then, they begin to leave the nest and move into young adulthood...college, career, marriage.  We may become grandparents as our own children grow older and start families of their own.   At some point, then, we begin to transition in our relationship with our own parents as they enter their elder years.  We may find ourselves, in some ways, taking on a parental role to our parents...securing their safety, managing their finances, planning for and providing day-to-day care.  It is new territory for most people and can be very challenging, especially if it comes at a time when you are in the busiest phase of your career,  or while being pulled toward supporting and engaging with your own children and grandchildren.  Again, Angie Melson wrote, "With aging parents, it’s tough to navigate that relationship at times as well, because, like you mentioned, the roles are a bit reversed, but we will always be their children. So...I’m working on finding my purpose in this stage of life I find myself, and looking for ways to experience joy and gratitude for the blessings of having these beautiful family members in my life."  That is a beautiful way of expressing the challenge of the journey.  In the midst of this season, we can know that we have purpose...caring for those we love...supporting them in their declining years...helping them feel safe and valued and loved.  That purpose in itself brings joy...for, what a privilege it is to care for the ones who spent so much of their lives caring for us.  "Honor your father and mother. Then you will live a long, full life in the land the LORD your God is giving you" (Exodus 20:12).

The words of Jem Finch echo in my mind, "You sho' can't choose your family, an' they're still kin to you no matter whether you acknowledge 'em or not."   If I could choose my family, I would choose the very ones I already have.  In each season of my life, whether as a spouse, parent or child, I want to live my purpose as I integrate my faith into each of those relationships.  In the words of Susanna Wesley, "I am content to fill a little space if God be glorified."

How has your mother influenced your pursuit of purpose?  What has your family role taught you about purpose?  How are you living your purpose in your family role in this season of your life?  Comment and share!